Photo by leah hetteberg on Unsplash
My child had a classmate, Sophia, who also happened to be our neighbor. One day, after school, she came home with my child and waited for her mom to come back from work. Being talkative, Sophia chatted with us for a while and kept looking around the room.
I understood how she must be feeling — after all, this was the first time she was in our house. After a couple of minutes, Sophia hesitantly asked me if she could see my child’s room.
When we walked into the room, she gasped and said, “ Wow! Your room is really clean!” Though she was extremely polite, I was left with the distinct feeling that what she really meant to say was “Wow! It’s not like anything I expected!”
Eventually, she relaxed a little and came into the kitchen where I was busy prepping for dinner. We had an altar near the kitchen and as she chatted away with me, she kept looking at the altar. I was expecting her to ask me about the pictures and idols, but I suppose Sophia considered it too impolite.
Now you may be wondering — why did Sophia have so many questions and why was she being so curious?
We belong to a different culture and the color of our skin is different from that of her family. Being a young girl, she was naturally curious to know how we lived.
I have also noticed that unlike Sophia, most people don’t ask questions — they assume. I believe they think it is impolite to ask without realizing that making assumptions and generalizing people from a particular cultural identity or nationality is even more hurtful.
Assumptions & Stereotyping
I truly wish that people would ask, respectfully and politely, rather than make assumptions about anyone, just because they don’t look like them.
For example, it is generally assumed that if you are Asian, you have to be good at math and science. The truth is that there are many who hate those subjects. Stereotyping is especially harmful. Those who are strong in STEM subjects don’t get the credit they deserve for their hard work while the others that are talented in arts or music for instance, feel the burden of the expectations placed upon them.
Understanding the Diversity of Cultures
Most of us haven’t travelled the world or formed relationships with people from different parts of the world. So our understanding about the way people live in other countries is often based on media depictions or characterization in the books we have read.
These may be some ways to learn about a country and its people, but it helps to remember that any culture is vastly diverse. Even with the best of intentions, it’s hard to distill it thoroughly in words or video.
Also, you may think that since you know someone from another country, you are aware of their culture. But the person you know may or may not be representative of their culture in its entirety.
Unless you have some personal experience and understanding of a particular culture, it is always advisable to question your own assumptions and seek the truth.
The question then becomes — is there a right and a wrong way to ask about an individual’s culture, ethnicity, or traditions?
Why do you need to ask?
Before asking culturally sensitive questions, like “Where are you from?” or worse “What are you?” ask yourself:
Why do you need to know? Is it necessary?
Your answer to this question will reveal your intention behind asking the question. Like Sophia, if you are just curious, it’s harmless. It could prove to be educational or help you build a personal connection with the individual.
However, most people ask questions about your culture or ethnicity to confirm their preconceptions or perceived biases. In such a scenario, understand that even if you get an honest response to your question, you will lose the opportunity to see or know the person for who they are because your biases overshadow their response.
People are sensitive. They can perceive why you asked the question in the first place. Your reaction to their response or the follow up questions/statements you make are a giveaway of your intentions.
When should you ask?
Don’t start a conversation with questions about culture or nationality. It’s better to get to know the individual first at a personal level. However, if during the conversation an individual shares aspects about themselves, their culture, or nationality, it may be fine to ask follow up questions respectfully.
Instead engage with people and try to figure out topics that you may have in common like family, travels, hobbies, languages, weather, etc. The important thing here is to make connections through conversations. Once you have built a trusting relationship with the individual, you can then ask questions about their culture.
How should you ask?
If you must know, ask with a genuine interest and ask insightful or pointed questions. Not to ridicule or stereotype.
For example, instead of saying “Where are you really from?” you could ask:
- Where the person was born or raised; where have they lived?
- If they have immigrated from another country, you could ask if they have family in their home country and if they get to visit them.
- What are some common misconceptions about your culture?
If you have a genuine interest in learning about a person, go ahead and ask. Your intention will come through and it’s hard for them to be offended. You may end up with a completely new understanding of a culture.
I was fortunate to have grown up in a multi-cultural neighborhood. And even as an adult having moved across countries and states, I have developed a deeper appreciation of the many cultures and traditions that people follow. These memories and experiences have enriched my life and help me relate to people no matter where they come from.
It’s natural to wonder about the lives of other people — especially those who look different than us, speak a different language, or come from a different nation.
Conversations about culture, ethnicity, and nationality are not always easy. But done right, they have the power to alter our perceptions and interpretations of others and foster understanding, acceptance, and tolerance of each other.
*Originally published on the 28th of July, 2021 on Mind Cafe on Medium