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One afternoon, I received an email from an author I admire. They sent me a copy of their latest book. I was flattered and excited.
I quickly finished up my pending tasks so I could enjoy the book. And I did. Yet, as a reader it left me feeling as though there should have been more to the story.
I knew I had to respond to the author. So I wrote down my generic feedback, wished them the best, and mentioned that I had some other thoughts on the book as well. The author replied that they wanted to hear my opinion!
To verify if I was being too critical, I asked my son to read the book. I figured two opinions are better than one.
What complicated the issue further was that the author is the editor of a publication I work with. I wasn’t quite sure about the consequences of my honesty.
As I waited for my son to finish reading, I was torn about my course of action. I wanted to be honest, but I also didn’t want to hurt their feelings. No amount of contemplation got me closer to solving the dilemma.
Once my son finished reading, his feedback and our discussion about the book revealed that we both felt the same way.
I was now faced with a choice. My conscience urged me to be honest, but in my mind, I knew that I was putting myself in a difficult situation. With an editor and someone I care about.
I finally decided to tell the truth. And I hoped that the author would take it in the right spirit.
When faced with situations like these, how do we choose between tact and truth?
Figure out the ‘why’
When faced with a choice, it is helpful to ask “why?” For example, in this instance, I had to ask myself why I needed to be truthful. Often, you know the answer, but asking the question out loud unmasks all excuses and stories.
Generic feedback, while encouraging, does not help much. It boosts your ego and makes you feel good. For a while. But honest feedback gives you the opportunity to improve.
I admire the author and want them to succeed in their endeavors. Judging by their ability, skill, and passion for writing, only by being truthful, I could help the author improve their craft. To honor my own conscience, it was important for me to be honest.
Reflect on the kind of person they are
I had a budding relationship with the author who sent me the book. But, I had heard them speak and from my interaction with them, I felt that they were a very kind and reasonable person.
Also, only when they asked for the detailed feedback did I provide it. I recommend that you ask if they want to hear your thoughts.
There are people who say that they would like honest feedback. But what they actually mean is that they want only positive feedback. In such situations, it is best to be polite and tactful, because they are not willing or able to actually listen to the opinion.
It is hard to receive critical feedback, especially after you have worked hard. But when someone wants to know the truth, has the emotional maturity to actually listen and think about it, it is always better to be truthful.
Truth leads to trust
It is often not easy to tell the truth. But being tactful and evading the reality is not helpful either. In any relationship, by asking for your opinion, a person is trusting you to tell them the truth. So honor their request and trust and be honest.
Honesty in a relationship helps build trust. Sometimes the truth hurts and may ruin a relationship. Have faith that eventually they’ll understand why you chose to tell them the truth and they will appreciate it.
At times though, being honest may mean that you have to be ready to let go of some of the relationships. Because not everyone is willing to hear the truth, understand the intention behind the feedback, or try to look at things from your point of view.
While letting go is hard, it helps to remember that the relationships you do have are meaningful as they are based on the solid foundation of trust.
“If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind.” — Lord Buddha
In the story, “The Emperor’s New Clothes”, the child blurts out the truth, saving the king from further humiliation. It was an act of courage and service.
In our everyday interactions, we often find ourselves so worried about hurting someone’s feelings that we hold back our honest thoughts and opinions. We choose tact or silence over truth, leading to superficial interactions and relationships.
We can honor the feelings of others and be truthful when we state the facts in a kind and compassionate way. You can sense it when the intention behind sharing the truth is to be helpful.
Four questions to ask before you choose :
1.Why do I want to tell the truth?
2. Would I regret being tactful?
3. Am I willing to be honest, especially if it means losing the relationship?
4. Does the other person really want to know the truth?
*This article was originally published on May 19, 2021 on Mind Cafe on Medium