Do you have a sibling who is an overachiever? Someone everyone looks up to and adores? Do you feel inadequate and worthless in comparison?
My sister Lizzy is the perfect example of a perfectionist. She is four years older than me and yet, we have been the best of friends. I adored and admired her and no matter what happened, I never questioned anything about her. She was everything to me – my sister, my guide, my mentor, my friend. When she was around, I didn’t need anyone or anything else. I was content to be with her, to be a part of her life.
Lizzy was exceptional – in every aspect. Smart, funny, capable, charming, talented, respectful, and excellent in academics. Everybody loved her. When I joined the same school as her, everyone was expecting me to excel. But I was so different from her. I was least interested in studying or excelling at anything. I had no goals or aspirations – so long as my sister loved me and approved of me, I was happy. But Lizzy always encouraged me to do my best and believed in me.
By the time I was in high school, Lizzy had gone off to college. Even though the rest of my family was there, I felt lonely without her. All I wanted was to go away with her. So I made a pact with my dad – I asked him what I needed to do to go to the same college as Lizzy. My dad and I reached an agreement. If I scored well in the exams and worked hard to create the desirable profile, he would support my decision. Neither of us really believed that I was up to the task.
So, with renewed enthusiasm, I forced myself to do everything I could to keep my part of the bargain. I finished school with better grades than Lizzy and I did get to go to the same college! I was so happy! I was finally going to be with her again. That’s all that mattered to me. I did choose the subjects as per my aptitude and interests. But, the only joyful factor for me was being together with my sister again.
We shared a room and spent a lot of time together. It started feeling like the good old days.
By the time I arrived, Lizzy was well known at college as well. She had already achieved so much! Everyone knew me as “Lizzy’s sister” once again. It was nice to be in the shade of my sister’s spotlight. It felt safe and familiar.
People were very gracious. They assumed I would be as successful and capable as my sister.
Lizzy always helped me – with studies, everyday life, or preparing for debates or speeches. I was a good orator, but the truth is, she would write the speeches for me. I only had to prepare and deliver. Nobody knew this except the two of us. And so all went well.
Soon Lizzy left college to pursue her dreams and I was alone once again. The idea of facing life in the same campus all by myself was daunting to say the least. I missed her terribly and so I tried transferring to a different college. But my dad put his foot down. I continued in the same college.
It was tough. I was doing well in class. But now that Lizzy wasn’t there anymore, when people asked me to take part in the competitions, I was terrified. Actually, I was worried that everyone would know what a fraud I was! I couldn’t write like Lizzy!!! The days went by hoping that everyone would leave me alone.
But they had come to expect the standard Lizzy had set, from me as well. They wouldn’t leave me alone. I had to sign up for the events and participate – they were counting on me to deliver like before. And here I was feeling like an impostor. What could I do?
So I sat down one day and decided to take a stab at the speech. I worked hard and long and after many, many drafts I felt like I had a decent piece. By the way, even that time, I used the template Lizzy had used and tried to copy her style. It worked quite well.
Now I had a solution – I could pretend to be like Lizzy and hopefully with some luck, work my way through college. So that’s what I did. I had followed her and observed her through the years, so I was quite confident about my plan. Fake it till you make it – as they say. It worked!
I went on to pursue my post graduation in a new place. It was the first instance in my life, where I wasn’t already known as ‘Lizzy’s sister’. It was hard at first, but the years I had spent trying to be like her had made me more like her than I had ever realized. I must admit that I surprised myself when one day I had this revelation.
I had become a completely different me – part Lizzy and part me. And the change was very helpful as I navigated the real world outside the cocoon of my college.
I excelled and life unfolded in such a way that Lizzy herself was surprised and proud of me. For a while it was hard for me to accept what had happened, but I couldn’t ignore it either.
When I look back at those years, I realize that the choices I made, the very person I have become are all influenced by Lizzy and everything she embodied. When she shared her fears, joys, hopes, and dreams with me, I inadvertently made them my own. I seem to have checked off all her dreams, hopes, and expectations – the ones she had hoped to fulfill one day.
So how does it feel to be in the shadow of a sibling?
First, the pros:
Role Model: I love my sister and owe a great deal to her. She set such a wonderful example for me that I could follow her lead and find success in my own area. Hard work, sincerity, determination, motivation, discipline, and drive were key to her success. I knew the recipe and worked hard to inculcate those attributes.
Winning formula to emulate: She figured out a lot of things through her experiences. Her guidance helped me identify and avoid the stumbling blocks. It made it easier for me as I transitioned from one stage to the next.
Preconceived positive impression: Once Lizzy proved herself, people assumed that I would be as good as her. As a result, many opportunities, that were not available to freshmen came my way. It was up to me to live up to those expectations though.
The cons:
Loss of identity: Most of the time, being known as ‘Lizzy’s sister’ felt like an honor. Yet, there were times when I did miss having my own identity, times when I felt like it didn’t matter that I existed.
Constant comparison: Lizzy set such a high benchmark. It was effortless for her but trying to keep up took enormous amounts of hard work on my part. I lived with the constant fear that people would soon figure out that I was no good – definitely nothing like Lizzy.
Feeling inferior: There were times when I felt like a misfit. No matter what I achieved or accomplished, it always paled in comparison to her. It was frustrating that no matter how hard I tried, I could never be like her.
You know, the banyan tree is huge, beautiful, and magnificent. But nothing grows in the shade of a banyan tree. I know today, that in spite of her best intentions, Lizzy was like a banyan tree. The shade of her spotlight felt safe, comforting and familiar. Yet, it was crucial for me to move out of that shade, to thrive and become my own self.
I’m extremely grateful to Lizzy for being such a wonderful role model. But, I also know that fundamentally, we are very different as individuals. I am especially proud of the fact that we never let the differences affect our relationship. We accept each other for who we are and know that no matter what, we will always be there for one another.
I also know today that I don’t always have to be like her. I can choose to be me. Copying her helped me for a while. But through the years, I have learnt to accept myself as a unique individual. And that is good enough.
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