Photo by Solen Feyissa on Unsplash
Two days before the date of the planned procedure, my water broke and I had to rush to the hospital. It was the middle of the night when my first child was born. I was hurting so much from the pain of the incision that I dared not move. I lay as still as I could. My husband, mom, and dad were with me at the hospital.
For the next few days, my mom cared for my newborn with help from my husband. As I lay there, immobilized, I was grateful for the presence of my mother. She cared for me and her grandchild as though she were on a mission.
In spite of all the research, reading, bombarding my mom and sister with intrusive questions about childbirth, there were some aspects that I didn’t expect at all.
- From the moment you know that you are pregnant, everyone around you — family, friends, and strangers — will treat you differently. You are made to feel special. I suggest that you don’t get too used to it. Once the baby is born, you diminish in value and the baby takes center stage.
- Even though you know that there’s a baby growing inside you, and you have waited so long to meet them, nothing can prepare you for the moment you see or hold your baby. On the one hand, it feels strange that the wait is over and on the other, you cannot help but wonder about the miracle of life. It’s hard to believe that you were instrumental in creating and birthing this baby!
- Sharing your body with the baby for the whole nine months and people prodding, poking, and touching you until (and even after) the birth of the baby makes you wonder if you have any personal physical boundaries left. I remember wanting to remind everybody that I am not a thing but a human being who is still alive.
- You will feel tired, sore, and exhausted. I couldn’t walk straight due to the incision for the first few days, especially when I would get up after sitting or lying down for a while. It hurts very badly and there will be times when you feel that you just can’t take the pain anymore.
- I didn’t know what I was doing most of the time. The truth is that most new moms don’t have a clue. And that’s okay. Don’t panic or feel ashamed if you feel the same way. Babies don’t arrive with a manual and there’s no tutorial that works for all babies. Trust your instincts as a mother; you will know what to do and what’s best for your baby.
- After the ordeal of childbirth, it takes time for your body to heal. After all, you have given of yourself to nurture the baby. So it’s essential to eat healthily and get plenty of rest — at least as much as possible.
- You will be amazed at what your body is capable of doing — from carrying, growing, and nurturing life to providing for the baby through the first few years. You will start to look at your body differently.
- Take care of yourself. It’s easy to lose yourself in the new role. Remember that only when you are healthy, both mentally and physically, can you care for the baby. There’s no shame in asking for help and leaning on your support system.
- Be kind to yourself. I must admit, I wasn’t very good at this and I ended up angry and irritated with myself and everyone around me that there was always something that needed to be done. So, let the cleaning and the laundry wait a little longer. Let the house be a little messy. Or better still delegate the tasks to others. Don’t try to do it all or lament about how it used to be.
- The only window to get some sleep will be the time when the baby sleeps. So take the chance and give yourself some rest. I used to think that nap time for the baby meant time that I could use to catch up on chores. I was wrong. Later on, it also helped that I chose to cosleep. It was convenient to breastfeed and get some sleep. Not to mention, there are benefits to cosleeping.
- Everything will change. Your body, how you feel, your outlook towards life, and your priorities. It takes time to adjust and accept these changes. You can’t expect to give birth and then bounce back to life as it was pre-baby. Resisting or trying to deny this fact will only make it harder. I can attest to that from personal experience.
- Through the never-ending task of caring for your baby, enjoy the special moments. Try to create a balance between doing and being. Just watching your baby as they sleep or feed at your breast — the little fingers and toes, their bright eyes, or the toothless smile — those are the moments that touch your heart and are a reminder that you matter and what you do matters.
When I look back at the first few years after my child was born, I feel so grateful that I had my parents and siblings nearby. They were a constant source of support and assurance. A wonderful bonus was that my child developed a great bond with his grandparents and my parents cherish those memories to this day!
In most Eastern countries, there is an emphasis on postpartum care for the mother. Organized support, periods of rest, special diet and hygiene practices, and infant care are recommended across those cultures.
On the other hand, there is institutionalized support for women in the form of breastfeeding counseling, at home visits by a maternity nurse, a midwife, and generous parental leave in many European nations.
The main focus of these methods is to help the parents ease into their new roles as well as for the mother to recover from childbirth. And that’s the least we can do to help the new parents, especially moms!
It’s unfortunate that many new parents today struggle to find the support they need as they are trying to figure it all out.
Make a Plan For Yourself
- Understand your options in terms of parental leave but also any child care services you can avail.
- Decide if you will be comfortable having a non-family member care for your child. Or would you prefer to get some help for other chores, so you can take care of your baby?
- Have conversations with your parents/in-laws, your siblings, family members, or friends to understand how each of them can help you.
- Discuss with your partner if and when you might want to get some paid help.
As you set out to create your own support network to rely on, make a plan for at least the first three months after delivery. Making these plans in advance not only gives you peace of mind but allows others to plan and adjust their schedules as well.
Being a mom is not for the faint of heart. The moment the baby is born, you are a mom for a lifetime. It’s a tough and relentless journey of sacrifice, compromise, and adjustments. But there will be innumerable moments of immense joy and satisfaction as well. You will be amazed at your capability to love so deeply.
There’s no quitting or delegating this responsibility. You and your baby are made for each other and you have to put one foot in front of the other — there’s no other choice.
You don’t have to do this alone though. You can share the responsibility with your partner and encourage them to be engaged and involved. You can also lean on your friends and family. It does get lonely and challenging at times, especially during the first few years. So ask for help and allow others to help you along this amazing journey.
*Originally published on the 13th of July, 2021 on The Motherload on Medium