Photo by Evie Shaffer from Pexels
It was a lovely, fun evening in my early teens. A couple of families, including mine, had gathered at a mutual family friend’s house to plan for a short fun trip together. Spring was right around the corner and we wanted to enjoy the outdoors. The adults were all busy planning and making decisions while we were having fun on the other end of the living room. It was loud and noisy and there was a sense of anticipation and excitement.
Suddenly, the host, Mr. N came over and called out to me. The noise in the room subsided and I had a strange feeling that this couldn’t be good. He asked me, “What is the normal body temperature of a human?” Everyone was staring at me – both the adults and the kids.
For a moment, I felt like I was in school where the teacher catches you off guard and asks you a question. I was dumbfounded. He said mockingly, “You really don’t know that?” I hated his behavior and his tone.
He laughed at my ignorance and stupidity, and the mood in the room turned from joyful and carefree to silent and shameful – at least for me.
The rest of the evening faded away from memory and I can’t remember anything except the humiliation. I kept wondering why he had to pick on me when there were so many of us? Also, why would anyone have allowed him to behave that way with a child? Why was it that I could not answer him, especially when I knew the answer?
It was like putting me on the spot froze my brain and I just couldn’t respond. Or was it because of the fact that the question was posed out of the blue? All I remember was that my face was burning and there were tears in my eyes. But I was too proud to cry in front of him.
The memory of that evening brings forth painful feelings even to this day. I remember feeling so small and insignificant with a deep sense of shame and disappointment for being so stupid and powerless.
Over the years, there have been people in my life who have ridiculed me for the way I look, for choosing to play in the sun and getting tanned, for expressing myself, for the questions I asked, and so many other things I don’t even remember.
And after each instance, the embarrassment, the hurt, the anger, and the shame bubbled up .
Growing up was hard – because people seemed to judge me for everything! Then again, I suppose that’s true for most of us.
But, I am grateful that I didn’t hold on to the bitterness and anger that I felt in those moments. As terrible as it was for my younger self, today, I am extremely proud of the fact that I could stay true to myself, and did not entirely believe everything everyone said about me. Because all that meanness and cruelty was about them and who they were, and had nothing to do with me.
There are some lessons I learned from these experiences that I hope are helpful for you:
- Stand up for yourself – I had to learn to be my own best friend and advocate, because I know myself best. Don’t allow anyone to define who you are.
- Be assertive – It is very hard to assert yourself, especially in front of adults or someone in a position of power. But state your position respectfully, clearly, and concisely. It takes a lot of courage and practice, but you’ll get it.
- Don’t believe everything others say about you – For a while, the humiliation I experienced at Mr. N’s home made me seriously question my own abilities. Was I really stupid? I was an average student at school – curious and talented. So I decided to work harder to test whether he was right. This was truly a game changer as it helped me go places I would never, ever have imagined. The outcome of most situations in life depends on the choices we make every single day. Even though something may seem horrible in the moment, you can turn it into something worthwhile. You have the power and the ability to interpret life situations and make them work for you.
- Be empathetic – These experiences have made me an empathetic individual – to myself and others. They enable me to find the strength and courage to never allow such behavior to go unchecked in my presence because I understand how it feels when no one stands up for you. Like Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, do better.”
- Erosion of trust – It hasn’t been all easy though and the biggest downside was a loss of trust. I often find that it takes time for me to trust anyone or any situation. It’s something I’m working on even to this day.
I often observe that even as adults we are reluctant to speak up and stand up for what we believe and know to be wrong – especially when among friends and family. We’d rather just stay quiet and feel uncomfortable than risk the disruption of a relationship. But know that our silence is an implicit permission to the perpetrator.
The saddest part is, that our children trust us to protect them, and they are helpless in such humiliating situations and need us to speak up for them. Trust is the foundation of any relationship and it is the best gift you can offer your child.
When people humiliate or belittle children, they don’t realize or perhaps are incapable of understanding, that their actions and words are hurtful and leave invisible scars on young minds.
So as adults, let’s remember that our words and actions have an impact. Our children trust us to stand up for them, especially when it is uncomfortable.
Further Reading: How Being Humiliated Can Make You A Great Leader
What have you learned from humiliating experiences in your life? How did you deal with them? Please keep the conversation going in the comments below.