Photo by vivek kumar on Unsplash
A few years after the birth of my son, I was looking forward to reenter the workforce. I needed to challenge myself. So, I took up a course. There I became friends with Vera – a promising young lady who was well-settled in her career and who was also a new mother.
One day when I met Vera in class, I noticed she looked distraught. It was so unlike her. She told me, with tears in her eyes, that of late, her son had been crying and begging her to stay home. He had even offered to never ask for another toy if she agreed to stay home with him. My eyes welled up .
In that moment, I realized that the grass is always greener on the other side – until you get to the other side. I realized that no matter what we choose, as women, this is a no-win situation.
If we choose to work, it makes us feel as though we are failing as a mother. If we choose to stay home and care for our child, it hurts that we are ignoring our potential and our dreams. What makes it tougher is the knowing that if we choose to focus on the child, we will be penalized when we want to reenter the workforce. It is one of those gut wrenching decisions that life forces us to make.
Vera and I were at the opposite ends of the spectrum – she was a working mom and I was a stay at home mom. And neither of us was happy. This realization made me reevaluate my decision.
I wanted to make the best of my potential and fulfill my dreams. But, I also felt strongly that I was entrusted this child for a reason. I was his mother – he couldn’t find a replacement. On the other hand, my job could be done by someone else – in the corporate world, I was not irreplaceable. I decided that this was not about me anymore – it was all about what I could do for my child. Also, in my mind, being a mother is a job – a selfless one, with no pay, no perks, no leaves, and perhaps even no acknowledgement or appreciation.
You know, I had tried going back to work. When my son was about an year old, I attended an interview and hated each moment I had to be away from him. I should have known then that it was not going to work for me. It felt so wrong. Yet, I kept hoping for a miracle solution.
So, I made a promise to myself that in the future, I would channel my energy towards my dreams. For now, I would prioritize my child and his well being. It was important for me to give my 100 % to this one gigantic and challenging task and do it well. I didn’t want to be engaged in the two aspects of my life that meant so much to me and do neither of them well.
Yet, through the years, there were moments when I questioned my decision, when I felt that I was neglecting my education, my hard work, and my dreams. It was tougher when the world looked upon me as if I were a weird person, perhaps some even felt that I was naive and crazy.
People told me that I was a burden on my husband and wasting the education that I was fortunate to have received. They suggested that I should follow the footsteps of the many women who go back to work after their maternity leave is over, insinuating, “if they can do it, so can you.” It was unnecessary and extremely hurtful. Seemingly, our society doesn’t value the choices, commitment, hardships, sacrifices, and compromises of mothers.
Today, in retrospect, I know that I made the right choice – given who I am, what matters to me, my family, and my child. I know that I have a fulfilling relationship with my son, because I have prioritized, valued, and nurtured it carefully over the years, like a gardener. I’m grateful that I was able to be there for my son in a meaningful way, every step of the way.
It is not uncommon to look to research or others to help guide you through this phase – I tried that. But know that there is no one reliable answer and nobody can tell you what to do. It is your life, it is your child, it is your family and it is your choice. I know, that statement feels cruel and harsh. Yet it is the truth. You have to figure out the answer for yourself and for your family.
So, knowing what I know today, what would I tell my younger self ?
- Do what feels right for you, not what the world expects of you.
- Stay true to your values and don’t let guilt override your decisions.
- Make sure to check your financial flexibility and factor that into your decision.
- No matter what you choose to do, know that there will be disappointments, compromises, and hardships. Don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault. It’s how life is. You are brave and courageous to embark on this journey.
- You may believe that you have everything under control because you made plans to handle the situation. Know that it is not uncommon to question those plans and change them completely. Because planning to be a mother is very different from being a mother. Everything will change.
- Don’t strive for perfection. Do your best in any given moment. It’s hard enough without being so tough on yourself.
- Know that this is a phase in life and this too shall pass. So, embrace and enjoy each moment.
- Don’t allow your mind to narrate a horrible, sad story about your future because of the choice you make. You can always find ways to make it work.
- You will be judged, and not kindly, by most. Ignore them and trust that you know yourself and your child best.
- Know that what works for others may not work for you. This is your unique journey. Create your own unique path.
- Remind yourself that there will come a time in the future when all the pain and hard work will transform into something meaningful to you. Until then, just keep your head down and do the work.
- If you are lucky to have the support of your partner or your family or both, make sure you ask for the help you need. Believe me, you will need it.
- And through it all, don’t forget to take care of yourself.
No amount of preparation can actually prepare you for motherhood. It is worth repeating – everything will change. You have to learn to accept that, adapt to it, and do the best you can. Trust that you have been blessed with this particular baby because you are worthy of each other. Have the faith that you have the ability to handle every situation and to evolve from it.
So take one step at a time. Try out different options and you will be able to figure out what works for you. After all, life is all about finding the right balance.
How did you cope with the early years of motherhood? Did you face these conflicts? Please share your ideas and tips in the comments below.