It was late in the afternoon. My son came back from school and asked me “Mommy, what is meant by gifted? Does it mean I am not smart because I don’t go to those classes? I get better grades than many of the kids who attend those classes – yet why is it that I don’t go with them?”
These innocent questions, posed with a genuine need to know, without judging anybody, made me pause and wonder. I sensed that through these questions my child was not just trying to assess his worth but comparing it to other children! He wanted to essentially know “Am I good enough?” – the question that haunts us always. I realized that my answer would matter not just in the moment but perhaps for a lifetime.
I needed time to figure out the “right” answer. But the curious, questioning, impatient look on my child’s face told me that he’d been waiting for an answer for a while and that I needed to answer now.
Where was the manual I could refer to in times like these to know what to say and how to say it?! The significance of the moment – the fact that my child was growing up, observing, comparing, and questioning – wasn’t lost on me. But, what was more important in the moment, at least for him, was my answer.
It was nerve-wracking. I had to focus and decide how to approach the subject while he waited patiently for an answer. The truth is I didn’t know what the “right” answer was. Most importantly, I didn’t intend to be anything but truthful either.
What do my experiences and those of others teach me? What can I teach my child in this important moment? I leaned on these questions to decide on an answer.
So I told him what the word “gifted” meant in the school and how kids are chosen for the program. But I decided to emphasize and focus on the aspect of his own self worth – something that I knew would be important for his future.
“You should know that you are always good enough. You have all it takes to live your life well. No matter what anyone calls you, no matter what the world says you are, know that you are capable with an immense potential. And that doesn’t change because of any tag the world chooses to stick to you. You are precious, wonderful, and loved.”
I meant every word of it.
The truth is, often as children, we are referred to as one thing or another – smart, beautiful, pretty, fair, ugly, fat, rude, bossy, etc, etc. These words unfortunately just stick in our minds and we start to define ourselves as such. As if it’s not enough for someone in this world to try to tell us who we are – that too in a single word – we tend to believe in that definition and conform to it. Why do we try to prove them right? Do they know us better than we do ourselves?
Even when we grow up, only the labels change – homemaker, CEO, manager, salesperson, bartender, successful, rich, poor, etc, etc.
But we are not just our job titles or our roles or our life situations. We are real, alive human beings with a depth and breadth of experiences, feelings, emotions, and actions. To reduce us to a single word seems like a serious misrepresentation.
I often remind my child that he should never determine his self worth based on what the world says – whether they call him ‘gifted’, ‘talented’, or anything else – he is and should always be who he chooses to be in the moment. And that’s the way it’s meant to be. His grades, trophies, victories, and losses, are not him – they are just the end result of what happened because he chose to work hard, to be diligent and focused. They only represent the possibility, they are not a guarantee of anything in life.
This was a teachable moment, not just for my child but for me as well. I needed to hear that too. Because so often we all get caught up in measuring our self worth and comparing it with others around us. But the human experience is unique, beyond comparison and cannot be measured – just like each of us. That is what is worth remembering.
So, please don’t allow anyone, any situation or any title or any person to tell you who you are. Know that it is your choice and your decision to define yourself and your life – moment by moment. And none of the tags or external circumstances can add to or take away from the immense value that you possess. Know that you are invaluable.
How have people tried to define you? Were they right? How did it make you feel? Do you think your own understanding about your worth has evolved over the years?
I look forward to hearing your stories. Thanks for sharing!